The TV Randomizer
Smallville: Season 4, Episode 8 – “Spell”
Earlier on Friday to kick off my Halloweekend, I watched the entirety of Over the Garden Wall which is a yearly tradition and a modern work of genius. But that’s not what you guys are getting a recap of. You’re getting a recap of this. I genuinely keep forgetting how many people hate this episode, because I’m thoroughly obsessed.
Previously On: I thought I might have to explain the Isobel thing leading up to the ep but actually, like, no. Not at all. This show is to plotlines as a six-month old is to object permanence. We can jump right in.
The year is 1604. Three women in the back of a hay cart get rattled down a street. Two of them are in rags and panicking. The third is in a red cloak, so as to cover her eyes, and with some really nifty 17th century red cream lipstick that will magically become lip gloss in the next scene. The red one, Isobel (or Isabelle/Isabel, there is no consensus on the internet), is saying that her book of power is gone but if they fall this night the three of them will rise again to finish their quest. It is at this point I figure out for the first time, “holy fuck, this is the plot of Hocus Pocus.”
When they arrive at the burning grounds there’s a dramatic removing of Isobel’s cape revealing that she is…omg!!! Kristen Kreuk! Who could have possibly guessed that from her voice and also the fact that we already know Isobel is Lana’s ancestor?? Kristen Kreuk/Lana had a whole thing in Season 4 about no longer being the girl next door so to enhance her gothy witchy image her hair is all messed up and she has a spiky extension on top. I mean it’s a lot but I can’t say it’s not hot, especially when she gets slapped and her mouth gets a little bloody.
She confronts a magistrate about the stones of power or something and tells him to open a page in her magic book. Boooo-OOOOO-oooook.When she sees her symbol she hacks up blood onto the page. And goddamn, that has never not been sick as fuck. The magistrate is wearing a Leonardo da Vinci cap and robes but speaks like he’s from New Jersey. The spell from her book is what transfers the symbol into a tramp stamp on her body.
The other two witches are tied to their stakes and crying, once Isobel is tied to her stake she laughs. I’m wondering if the other two have been falsely accused? Which at least gives them more of a character motivation than the show tries to attempt. As her last words, Isobel says that at the appointed time her heir will awaken her and she will have vengeance!!! And cackles into the flame. Not a terrible cackle as they go, at least she’s having fun.
The flames become burning logs on a fire (save tonight) in the Talon apartment as Lana sits down with Clark over a package that just arrived on ebay. The first shot is of the magical tramp stamp as Lana walks in front of the camera wearing a black crop top shirt with bell sleeves(?) and a single string tying the back together. God I fucking miss 2004.
Okay, back up. This scene is with Jason, not Clark! I absolutely forgot Jensen was in Season 4! It’s gonna be so fun to have you around, buddy!! You look a little like Justin Hartley in this scene and that is emotionally terrifying to me!!!
Of course what Lana bought on eBay is Isobel’s old spellbook. Lana, a 17-year-old in high school, had to max out her credit card to get it. Girl, you’ve owned a small business since you were 15 and about to pay for college, you will REGRET that. Lana and Jason are like hey, maybe this incredibly well-preserved ancient artifact that was up for auction on the internet and not like, in an air-conditioned chamber in a museum archive, can answer some questions. Like why Lana got a mysterious tramp stamp in France and blacked out for 12 hours. It’s called a k-hole, Lana.
They also mention that the symbols on the front of book are like the ones in the Season 2 cave Clark found, so are you saying…aliens are witches? Kryptonians visited the earth in multiple locations (like ancient France) and not only gave Native Americans written language but taught local French women how to cast powerful spells??? I want Kryptonians and Time Lords to fight to the death in a cage match.
As Lana thumbs through the pages she lands on the blood-soaked page and the fire suddenly whooses out. As Jason goes to fix it, she tentatively touches the symbol on the page, which immediately lights up in a sparkly purple, then her tattoo lights up in a sparkly purple, and finally her eyes seem to absorb all the sparkly purple power. She is now a Speak Now stan.
Her dangly earrings are rad, by the way.
The power of this has blown both Lana and Jason back and onto the floor. Lana is clearly now possessed by Isobel so I’m just going to start calling her that now. Jason asks, “are you okay?” and while Isobel examines her new body and takes five million years to answer the question, creepy tinkly music plays.
“Never been better,” she smiles evilly.
SOMEBODY SAAAAAAAAAAVE ME.
Back on the farm, the cows aren’t gently mooing because there are dark storm clouds rolling in from Toronto. A crow even flies by. Go team! Clark picks up a hay bale to use as a baseball or something until Lois (ugh) rolls up. They’re supposed to be throwing a surprise birthday party for Chloe, remember? Lois’s hair is very long and dirty blonde with thick bangs in front and I both hate it and realize she looks almost exactly like Taylor Swift these past few days, which makes me hate it more.
Clark had said no to the party, a scout from Princeton football will be visiting and his parents are out of town. And yeah, I absolutely forgot about Princeton football. This show is SUCH a gift. Lois is rolling all over him because if they have to cancel the party then Chloe’s feelings will be hurt. For some reason I can’t believe this version of Lois cares that much about Chloe, to be honest, but I can also buy it as a reason for her to ditch school. Also sucks that they’re using Chloe as a reason to throw these two together. You suck, writers.
Lois promises it won’t be Sodom and Gomorrah and then takes her cardboard box upstairs. Considering the incredible heights of S&M on primetime this episode gets away with, lol.
Back at the Talon, an entire table is set up as a magical altar. I think it’s supposed to be strange ingredients like howlet’s wing but I’m pretty sure it’s some red beads and blue corn chips. All the candles are nice though. Various vessels boil and bubble, including a Le Creuset pot, as Isobel grinds something with a mortar and pestle. She checks her spell list, which is written down neatly in bubbly handwriting with a sparkly purple gel pen.
This is the kind of character detail I crave. Next up is the hair of two virgins. She immediately plucks one of her own hairs and says, “we’ve been a good little girl, haven’t we?” IDK, maybe she’s better known for the things she does on the mattress, Isobel.
I wonder what the transitive powers of virginity are for body possession. Since Isobel’s whole witchy thing implies sexy evil and therefore promiscuity we can assume that she wasn’t a virgin in the 1600s, plus so much of ‘bewitched’ rhetoric comes from men sleeping with (or raping!) women and then calling them seductresses. So if she’s reincarnated in virgin Lana does that mean her body is actually theoretically different than how she left it? Doesn’t that affect the transference? And if it’s not because virginity is fake then why is virgin hair a potent spell ingredient?
How old was Isobel supposed to be when she was burned anyway? I’ll have to check when we revisit the episode with the tombstone but I always got the implication that because she is a more ‘experienced’ woman she was older which makes it weirder that she’s inhabiting Lana’s teen body. Eh whatever.
Now Izzy is on the hunt for virgin hair number two. The stupid sexy horniness of this show never fails to impress. Lois and Chloe burst in, checking in on Lana since she hasn’t been answering the phone. Chloe’s bob hasn’t grown out yet and it’s super cute. Despite her mannerisms being that of a serial killer, Isobel is actually a fairly proficient liar. She says she’s working on a “retro” science experiment, she saucily suggests that it’s something the other two will enjoy. Did Izzy also download Lana’s modern knowledge/slang? Chloe leaves to get a coffee and Lois digs into Lana for not being around to help distract Chloe so she can set up the party. Poor Chloe, even her 18th birthday gets usurped by Lana drama. Lana plucks Lois’s hair and immediately wrinkles her nose. I guess she can detect virginal hair magically. She tells Lois she saw a gray hair. Lois freaks and goes to check the mirror. Izzy considers how to acquire virgin follicles and smiles to herself.
The yellow sunflower fields of joy and tranquility. Clark has a huge bulky present for Chloe and has wrapped it incredibly poorly. He messes around with tying some ribbons, slaps a big bow on top, and sits down to glower at his work. Clark is a big awkward goofball mess and that is why I keep coming back to this show. In the background, Isobel walks in like a shadow among all the bright colors. So I guess she found her way to the house because she does have all of Lana’s personal info? Awkward. Honestly, I don’t hate it. It does away with a lot of the unnecessary bullshit that a lot of other shows go through with possessions. But if she didn’t know whether Lois is a virgin why does she know Clark is? Unless Lana didn’t know that Lois was a virgin either. Which I feel like, if they’re friends, and Lana is openly dating a teacher, it might come up. You know what, I’m just going to back to the scene where Izzy tries to be suggestive about a big blue box.
Izzy comes on to Clark pretty strong. Clark apologizes about whatever happened with Jason in the last episode. I don’t even know or care. Neither does Izzy/Lana, something something “big tall bridge.” Izzy closes the space between them, hiding massive scissors behind her back. Clark: “Are you feeling okay?” At this point in the show Clark, you should know that even having to ask that question of someone means no, she is not. Clark goes weak in the knees and has to sit down. Awww. Don’t start any fires, kiddo. Izzy puts a well-manicured claw on Clark’s face, causing him to throw out a last ditch, “Jason is my friend.” Izzy bulldozes right through that and they’re just about to get tongues involved when she whips out the scissors and goes for Clark’s hair.
The scissors break apart in her hands on sun-drenched follicle impact.
Clark: “What the actual fuck?”
She needs a bit of hair for a scrapbook for Chloe’s birthday but hey why are these scissors broken now? Also, creepiest birthday present ever? And possibly meanest as well, considering the whole Chloe and Clark situation? Here, Chloe, have a scrap of hair of the guy you’ve been pining over and that I just dumped. That’s fine, right?
Clark plucks out a bit of his own hair and hands it over, saying he’d have done it willingingly if she had only asked. Isobel: “But where’s the fun in that?” You can have a lot of fun even with consent, y’all. Heaps of fun. Mountains.
Clark asks if it’ll suffice and Izzy puts on an innocent smile and she says it’s perfect, gives a cheeky, “thanks, handsome,” (agree) and then leaves.
Which means. MAGIC CAN DISCERN VIRGINS BUT IT CAN’T DISCERN ALIENS. Does adding alien hair to the potion fuck with it??? I NEED TO KNOW, DC.
The X-Files creep-out tune of foreboding plays the scene out.
ACT TWO
Hands. Piano. Purple. We’re at the Luthor mansion! He’s rattling out a Schubert for personal edification when Isobel walks in. You’re not gonna get a virgin hair off this guy, Izzy.
Isobel wants a bottle of wine to celebrate with Chloe. Lex barely disagrees with handing a minor a vintage for more than a minute. I love when this show pretends to care that they’re underage. Then he takes a direct request for a merlot. Why are these scenes of Lana playing both men back to back, I wonder. She gets distracted by something Lex has displayed in the middle of his living room. We know it’s the missing spellbook page but I’m more interested in the fact that apparently Izzy just genuinely wanted a nice glass of wine to sit back with after a hard day of spellcasting.
“What is this?” she demands. Lex starts in about an illuminated manuscript from St. Petersburg but Izzy takes on the traits of a certain cat and cuts him off with, “you’re lying.” This is a map to the stones of power and she surmises that Lex is also after them. Lex starts to question how the hell she knows these things but with a flip of her hand she disappears the paper and then turns on Lex, freezing him. She grabs the bottle out of his hands. Awesome. Since he’s her competition she gets him out of the way by telling him to practice piano infinitely. In terms of creative hexes it rocks (also? used in Hocus Pocus) but I do wonder why witches don’t use their powers to more permanently dispose of their enemies. Lex’s look of panic on his face as he plays is pretty horrifying.
Izzy swirls around something frothy in a decanter. I think it’s supposed to be for a spell but I’m choosing to believe she’s just letting the merlot air. It turns purple as she spouts out terrible Latin (this is why my standards for Supernatural were so low, isn’t it) as symbols glow on the ground. Lois catches up to her like, “bzuh? Why are we in the woods right now?” How did Izzy even talk them into this? Who drove?
Izzy’s like, “I just wanted to hang out with us girls for a bit before the party!”
“What party?” Chloe asks. “You mean the party you’ve been planning for the last month?” Then goes on to be like “nothing gets past me,” except for Lana being possessed. And oh yeah, the whole Clark being a superpowered alien thing. Surprise parties though? She’s on it.
The wine is part of the spell to get Lois and Chloe possessed which has all sorts of womanly implications that I am not going to get into. It’s kind of rad but so, so burdened. I think a few years ago it would have been a PSL.
Izzy makes a toast to, “friends who are not forgotten.” Long live, the walls we crashed through, etc. I’m so, so confused about these secondary witch characters because they’ve had no prior introduction, never come back again, and barely have any personality in this ep. Instead of a different character it’s more like Sexy Chloe and Horny Lois. But it means we get Sexy Chloe so I’m not complaining. Lightning strikes and heavy wind blows as Lois and Chloe are transformed in a fairly impressive sequence.
Isobel brings her friends (names immediately forgotten) up to speed.
“I’m gorgeous!” Lois said, clutching her boobs. “Look at these!” Oh, so she’s Sarah Jessica Parker.
“Yes,” Izzy deadpans. “They’re very nice.”
“Ah, the woods of France, I’d know them anywhere,” Chloe says.
“We’re in Kansas, Madelyn.”
The dynamic is set.
Chloe asks about the book. They have it, and now they can go after the sto- “Is that the same quest that got us burned at the stake?”
A small trial, Izzy says. Lois and Chloe don’t seem convinced.
Izzy talks them into it anyway, finally explaining that they have the host’s memories.
Back at the barn, a party full of extras mill about Clark in a very nice shirt that he looks entirely uncomfortable in. He closes he flip phone (!) worriedly. He spots Jason and heads over. Oh hey, fully adult coach. What are you doing here at a student’s birthday party? Instead of this, he asks if Jason knows where the girls are since they were supposed to arrive an hour ago. Jason says no and brushes him off. Clark follows and Jason basically tells him to back off and says, “the only reason I’m here is because Lana wants me to be here. Because I’m her boyfriend, whether you like it or not.” In front of a very large crowd of Lana’s classmates and/or coworkers. Also, Lana is an hour late to show up for a party you don’t want to be at, aren’t you pissed or curious?
The barn doors swing open dramatically as the girls finally arrive.
They strut in with their black leather stilettos and cute little corsets as the crowd cheers surprise for them. Well, for Chloe. But no one cares about that apparently. Chloe’s hair is now up in a little pineapple. She jabs at Izzie about get burned at the stake again.
“You’re really not gonna let that go, are you?”
Clark grabs the arm of a collared and tube-topped Lois (why not grab one of his two best female friends standing right next to her?) complaining that the Princeton guy is just due to arrive. It’s Lois’s turn to be a liberated, horny witch and come on to Clark. He’s just as baffled and bewildered as the first time but not as turned on.
Jason tries to aside with Lana, saying he’s just gonna dip. Izzy: “Good.” Jason asks what’s changed about her as if he didn’t just get a monologue about her witchy ancestor and then bowled over by the magic winds of a spellbook the night before. “And why are you dressed like that?”
“Because it makes me feel sexy. Weren’t you leaving?” Guys, this episode was about female empowerment all along!
Chloe’s enjoying the party favors, Izzy’s enjoying the sanitation, Lois is enjoying the abs.
But they complain about what a drag the party is and decide to spice it up. They turn around all with purple glow between their fingers and Izzy enchants something in that dumb language. I know at the time people were talking about how this is just a ripoff of Charmed and therefore subpar or whatever but actually it’s a ripoff of Hocus Pocus, a far better source material, and honestly Charmed never seemed as fun as this.
Suddenly all the men in the barn are topless and half the women are in underwear. The speakers (clad with ‘Go Crows!’ stickers) are blaring Gwen Stefani. There is maybe one green solo cup sighting on the premises. This is a sex party, y’all. This night is sparkling, don’t you let it go. And it’s all the more offensive because a tweed beclad scout from Princeton has finally arrived and is our eyes and ears as he scans the room. On the first stair landing is Lois, wiggling her hips in front of a bodybuilder. Farther up on the stairs is Clark in boxers, kind of hanging around Chloe and Izzy, doing a sort of dopey head banging. The scout is like, “our meeting??” and Clark invites him in to join the party, moving behind Izzy so he can fist pump the air in the dorkiest dance move imaginable. This was the exact moment something primal awakened in me.
“Woo!” he says. “Woo!” Woo, indeed.
ACT THREE
The sun shines down on the Kent farm mailbox. As we view the wreckage of an absolute banger of a party where none of the teenage guests bothered to help clean up or even dispose of their trash in a bin, the phone rings and we can pretty easily guess it’s Ma and Pa Kent. Clark groggily gropes an arm over a stall wall and answers.
Clark realizes he completely fucked up his interview and so goes over to Lex so that the rich guy can fix it. We’re on Clark as he walks into Lex’s office, piano music in the background, and we make almost a full 180 turn as we follow Clark explaining his problem, asking for help, and then finally looking at Lex’s face and realizing something is wrong. Then he sees that Lex’s fingers, as well as the keys, are covered in blood. It’s gnarly and fucked up and really cool. Clark somehow dispels the enchantment by pushing the piano really, really far away. Lex tells him that it was Lana’s doing.
So…did Clark just not understand what happened last night? He remember meeting with the guy from Princeton but not, you know, deciding to go super hard?
In the Talon apartment, Jason finally gets the inkling of a clue and is holding Isobel’s spell book. You know, considering how late everyone seems to have slept in I’m surprised the witches haven’t achieved world domination yet. He opens it and the fire next to him goes full blaze.
Was it the book? No, it was Izzy, standing in the middle of the room, just waiting for him to enter.
“You really shouldn’t play with that.”
She warns him not to get in his way. He asks who she is. She answers in French. He finally, finally understand that it’s Isobel. He asks where Lana is, she says she’s in there somewhere. Will she let her out? Um…no. No thank you. Jason threatens to burn the book and Izzy snaps it out his hand. Then she calls him “little man” and throws him against the wall. Welcome to the next fifteen years of your life, Jensen.
Wind blowing in her hair, she throws him up to the roof and starts to really go in for the torture. Clark arrives and screams, “Lana, no!” as if she’s a dog. She throws Jason through the window to get him out of the way. What is this…the third time those windows have been broken this year? And I bet it’s a historical site so a bitch to do window work. Clark speeds out to catch him. Jason is passed out. Licks of flames grace the walls of Talon, whose insurance bills must be sky high. “THE BARN MIDNIGHT” is spelled out in purple graffiti.
Wait, okay, I thought the Jason scene was either concurrent with or immediately after the Lex scene, but now it’s dark out. What has Clark been doing?? Why have the witches NOT DONE ANYTHING. The next scene is set at the barn almost at midnight so it’s been an ENTIRE FUCKING DAYYY??
Oh whatever, this episode is hot.
Barn, Midnight. As it was foretold. Clark warily enters his own place of residence. The girls have gathered on the staircase above him, in the same party outfits.
“What’d you do to Lex and Jason?” He demands.
“Nothing compared to what we’re gonna do to you.” Yeah, alright, I’m here for the midnight shit. Then Lois jumps the gun and throws a whole fucking wheel at him and he flies across the barn. That would’ve been a bit of an anticlimactic plan in another show.
He gets up and Izzy is glad that he’s not just fast because that will make this fight a lot more fun. Chloe puts her devil hands together and sends some flying metal objects at him. He deflects them all with his heat vision. Which would not be my first go to, honestly, since searing heat and metal don’t mix well. He is staring at three hot women right now though so fair.
“Your magicks are impressive,” Izzy concedes. “But you are not the exception.”
“Magic?” Clark asks, in a sweet confused kind of way that takes my whole heart. Kid, you are so, so fucked.
Izzy lifts him off the ground and Tom Welling must have been so pissed about this no flights loophole. I am not, though, because the little glimpse of abs we see in his harness is maybe hotter than the full naked Clark.
The top half of his body starts convulsing, probably out of confusion. This is what pain feels like??
Izzy starts talking about her grand quest again (you gotta give that up, dude) and how she won’t be undone by some farm boy. But you don’t understand, Isobel, he’s a farmboy with a thousand watt smile.
Chloe totters over to him. She’s been playing her witch self as very bubbly and pixie-ish, it looks like a ton of fun. She turns him over and insists that he’s not what he seems. Lois, halfway to an orgasm, says she can feel his power. Izzy’s solution is to rid him of his powers.
So now Clark, blood all over his cheeks and lips, is pinned down by these three women. He looks around desperately.
“Chloe,” he pleads. “You’ve got to help. I know you’re in there.” She pretends to look worried for a second, then bursts out laughing. More of a cackle really. The other two don’t look impressed. And like, man, I know this scene is played out but the number of times they use this in the show and it actually works just makes this delicious.
And of course, in order to properly depower him, they have to rip his shirt open, which Isobel does, and lays a hand on his chest. A burst of light, imbued with Kyptonian symbols and colors, leaps out of his chest and swirls around Isobel.
As they stand to admire their work (he is breathing heavily on the floor, barely conscious, and bleeding from the face, there is much to admire) the suspenseful music crescendos us into an act break.
So I guess she just fucking…de-aliened him?? Like, if they were magic powers I can see how that works but in this world alien and magic powers function the same I guess? Maybe they use the same frequency??
ACT FOUR
We fade in on a pair of hands in chains shackled to the top of a ladder rung. If I could make this show less hornier for you I would I (I would not). The three women are all just standing there watching him as he squirms awake.
“What have you done to me?”
“We have made sure you are no longer a threat, sorcerer,” Chloe answers.
“I’m not a sorcerer,” he grits through his teeth.
Then how have you bewitched me with those muscles? Answer me that.
Izzy agrees. He’s something else and something special. Chloe looks confused and disturbed. Lois looks like she just took a valium.
Chloe has glitter on her cheeks, which reminds me how much glitter I still have on from Kesha. Let’s go put on our party rainbows, Chloe!
“I can taste it on you,” Izzy sexy whispers. Taste what. His special alien powers? Does his skin taste different or something?
No, it’s that he knows of the stones of power. He even knows where one is! Chloe and Lois sidle up to him, trying to sweet talk. I have to imagine their hands are roaming freely over his body. He still refuses.
“Let me cut it out of him!” Chloe says, as she digs her nails into his chest and rivulets of blood spring forth. Seriously, how do people NOT LIKE this episode?!? Chloe looks like she’s about to have the time of her life, but Izzy interrupts.
“No!” There are easier ways. Chloe’s fun is all ruined though. Why you gotta be so mean, Izzy? She sucks on one of her bloodied fingers as she retreats.
Now Izzy and Clark are facing off. She realizes that Clark “desires the body I inhabit” and tells him the body desires him in return. Which is a super weird disassociated way to communciate but I guess I can’t throw any kinkshame at this point. She kisses him softly, whispers a word, then goes in for a deeper kiss. When she steps back, a purple spell trails out of his breath and tells them where the stone is hidden. (It’s the cave, duh.) I guess you could say that when they kissed she let….sparks fly. She’s like “k thnx bye” and in a blinding lightning flash of purple the three of them disappear. Leaving Clark, alone, still tied to a ladder, blood dripping down into his belly button.
He struggles for against the chains for barely a second before Jason suddenly appears behind him. Clark’s nose is also bloody, for the record. Jason unbinds him (aw) and as Clark falls to the floor and recovers he fills Jason in that Lana is with Chloe and Lois. But it’s like their bodies have been taken over. Jason agrees, and says it’ll sound crazy (heh) but Lana was researching her ancestor who was a witch and…yeah, Clark pretty much gets it, although he’s still dazed. He doesn’t tell Jason where they headed though. Instead he misdirects Jason to the school and says he’ll check out the Talon. Clark you are LITERALLY still bleeding what do you think you’re going to do without your powers. This is the one time you can actually connect with someone by trying to problem solve together on equal ground!! You are an idiot boy.
In the cave, Lana raises a bejeweled hand to her tramp stamp symbol marking on the wall.
“It begins to make sense,” Izzy says. Well you can let us in on that any time you feel like it, show. “It was destiny.” Oh, okay, yeah, destiny. That sense-making thing.
They trio stand in front of recessed cave wall as Izzy keeps talking about how the stones of power will increase their magic tenfold yadda yadda yadda they want to be gods. Which is cool and all but she never actually says what she wants to do with that power. Obvoiusly some gnarly kinky shit but that’s hardly an evil masterplot.
In the book, it’s now clear that all three stones of power are Kryptonian symbols. So maybe witches were just early kryptofreaks affected by the radiation. Izzy opens the wall with magic and a bright white light shines out of a crack in the wall.
…It’s a vagina, okay. A bright white light is pouring out of a vagina and all three women are walking toward it chanting in a strange language.
They enter the sacred chamberTM with the Kryptonian stone on the table. Izzy is on a role with the speechifying now. “Soon our suffering will end.” It will be the best thing that’s ever been mine!
“And our future begins,” Lois agrees, but I honestly thought she was about to complain about being too cold in this cave.
Izzy reaches out a red manicured hand toward the stone, savoring the moment. We hear the cocking of a gun. Clark is here with a motherfucking rifle. Guns solve problems, kids.
Except not, because he’s immediately disarmed by magic. “We were gonna let you live,” Izzy says. She finally picks up the goddamn stone.
It immediately lights up and starts burning her. She flings it across the room and Clark easily catches it. He’s able to hold it and, what’s this, it restores his power too! It’s back in the hands of a man who is able to wield its power. But he’s also from a different planet, I guess I’ll let it pass.
The three witches stare bewildered by him. “I’m not from around here,” he explains. “Looks like the story of us,” he says, looking directly at the camera, “might be ending soon.”
Isobel is like ‘pssh’ we’ll just take your powers away again. Except Clark goes right ahead and burns the spellbook in Isobel’s hands. As her tramp stamp symbol in the book lights up and dies, Izzy screams into swirling winds, her castles crumbling down.
ACT FIVE
All is peaceful in the cave. All four of them are passed out on the floor. As they wake they make vague grumblings about what they’re wearing and not knowing where they are. Lana asks what happened and Clark gives the goddamn awful answer of “you haven’t been yourself lately” but follows it up with an incredibly sweet smile.
The mooing cows of peace and serenity at Kent Farm. Clark stumbles down the stairs as Martha preps something at the counter. Finally! The parents! Martha scolds Clark for overlseeping since Jonathan is outside doing Clark’s chores. Jonathan then wallks in, maybe having a question or tow about why he found a lacy bra in the barn. Martha’s mouth is open. “I don’t remember leaving that one in the barn.”
“It was magic,” Clark says awkwardly.
“I’m sure it was.”
“No, mom, no, also ew, but no, actual magic.”
As Clark explains in the most confusing and unhelpful way ever, he insists that the reason the party got out of control was because Lana was possessed and could suddenly do magic. And worse, and what makes this actually believable to his parents, is that it can hurt him.
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Lana is cleaning up the wreckage of her apartment. Her hair is full straight and contained again but she’s still in her goth phase and she is buried in layers for this scene. Lex hangs out in her doorframe. He’s pre-emptively coming to see her so she won’t have to go apologize. They talk about the damage she did (aren’t his hands kind of fucked now?) and how she’s now fully exorcised. But it was great that Clark was around to save her. And Lex is like yeah, we both owe Clark. Then they start furiously making out.
Actually, Lana just starts ranting about how selfless Clark can be risking his life, but then does something obnoxious getting Jason fired because he’s what, jealous? Lex admits that it was actually him who got Jason fired. Because he’s, like, a full grown adult dating a high schooler. Lex wasn’t just going to stand by and watch someone coerce a teenage girl into a relationship. Y’all, I’m with Lex here. The ultimate tragedy of Smallville is that all his friends gaslight and betray him FOR SIX YEARS STRAIGHT and then have the audacity to call him the villain.
Lana immediately goes cold. Lex says he was trying to protect her. WRONG MOVE, BUDDYYYYYY. He only had her best interests at heart. YOU’RE MAKING IT WOOOOORRSSSEEE. Lana says her interests are none of his concern. She’s old enough to decide for herself who she wants in her life. Then walks out. Of her own apartment. Leaving Lex standing in the middle of it with the door open. “Uh…I guess I’ll just, uh, lock up then?” Poor Lex, something keeps him holding on to nothing.
Who cares, Keane is playing.
Clark is cleaning up the barn wreckage. Because a classic mid-aughts ballad is playing we know we’re about to get a Clana scene. Clark holds up a discarded red thong. How many babies have been conceived in the barn, do you think.
“At least those aren’t mine,” Lana jokes. But joke all you want, Lana, we saw you in that corset.
Lana wants to thank Clark for rescuing her. Clark is glad to have the only Lana back. Either the sun is just about to set or the mood lighting in the barn is perfect. Probably both.
“Isobel was…aggressively sexy,” Clark informs her.
“Oh great. Possessed by an evil slut.” Hell yeah you were! She was great!
Lana apologizes for blaming Clark for getting Jason fired. Clark says he wasn’t thrilled with Jason but realized the reason she left was because she wasn’t happy with him. Lana always resented Clark keeping secrets and doesn’t want to do the same to him, which is kind of makes sense but also puts so much of the burden on Lana to maintain a healthy relationship which someone who isn’t willing to share back.
“There’s a reason I came back to Smallville.” To graduate high school? No. Clark gets the backstory of touching Isobel’s tomb and getting the tramp stamp. Clark says he recognizes the symbol from the cave wall. Lana asks him if he knows what it means. Clark says no and tries but mostly fails to keep a straight face. We might as well be straaaaangeeeeers…
On the cave wall, the witch symbol is illuminated by a flashlight as Lex examines it.
And thus ends a weird and wonderful episode full of magic and finding unusual things out about oneself at a crucial age. If you’re mad about “Superman” not being referenced it’s a terrible delusional song and you will be kicked out if you complain.
Until next time.