The TV Randomizer
MFU: Season 3, Episode 21 – “The It’s All Greek To Me Affair”
We open in Greece, on a tour of the Parthenon. The horns at the beginning gave me a bit of a tip off as to the season but then within a minute of the intro Illya is saying he forgot the password for the mission he is currently on. Definitely Season 3. I vaguely recall this might be called the All Greek To Me Affair vs the other Greek episode(s?). I know it’s Season 3 but this does have the wonderful bed scene at the end and a nice enough aura of goofiness, so I usually give it a pass.
Napoleon is entertaining a nameless lady and practically drools into the communicator pen as he rattles off some Euripides at Illya. I personally choose to believe Napoleon cannot read (much more of the show makes sense this way) and was not lying about memorizing the script as a toddler. Illya makes a show and accidentally terrifies an old man, as all top secret agents do, and then makes contact with another UNCLE agent. He got the gender of his contact wrong. This boy graduated from the Sorbonne. She relates a silly little backstory and then walks off with some important UNCLE codes and promptly gets kidnapped. Illya gets whumped.
Credits. I was going to make a Stavros/John Stamos joke but decided it was too weak. Have fun inventing your own.
ACT I: “Terror of Thessaly, Semi-Retired”
Reading off a list, Napoleon is making various flower arrangements for women. I don’t doubt for a second that any of these are incorrect. I suddenly understand why Napoleon is such a valuable agent – being a slut takes a ton of organizational skills. Waverly calls and informs him Illya is probably dying somewhere because the codes are missing and he hasn’t phoned in. Napoleon’s like, “cool, I’ll go get him,” and Waverely’s all, “nah. Let him figure it out. He’s probably dead already anyway. Go after the guy who stole the codes.” Napoleon makes a face because he desperately wants to rescue his boyfriend. That’s like, half the fun of his job. The thief is meeting up with a Thrush agent named Emile Sauvignon. ‘Blanc?’ I ask, eyeing my wine glass. This could be a fun ep.
A guy pulls up to a gas station and says “telefono” in such a strong hispanic accent that I become confused as to what country we’re currently supposed to be in. He uses the phone to call the next scene, a drabby little family inn where “classic” Greek music is playing on a gramophone and a few men are kicking up their feet in the middle of the floor. I’m told this is a traditional dance called sirtaki and was all the rage in 1964 because of Zorba the Greek. How quaint and authentic! A woman comes down to pick up the phone and is surprised that her escaped convict husband is on the other side. And his name is Manolaukus! That’s not Latino at all! (Note: the actor is George Keymas, born in Ohio, and known for ‘Indian’ characters in Westerns so I’m going to go out on a limb and say his background is neither.) She never wants him to step foot near her again. He’s like, “Cool, I’ll pick you up at seven.”
The woman, Kira, decides the only way to fix the problem is to kill the guy. Her fiancé, the dweeb, says she can’t because it’s murder. Her dad, the criminal, says she can’t because she’ll go to jail. Everyone in the court system is a man so if she goes free for murder maybe their wives will also start murdering. So is every Greek man in this universe a wanted criminal stalking their ex-wife, or??
Her fiancé says he will do the killing but the father laughs at his feebleness. Then complains and wonders why his daughter went from dating a ruthless criminal to a completely useless nerd. Couldn’t be his fault or anything. He decides he will do the killing, which I guess is an act of love or whatever. He doesn’t care that they have never met and has no idea what Mano looks like. So much so that he does not even bother to stop and ask the people directly in front of him who do know. As we all know this can only end well.
Illya wakes up at night on the ground (at the Parthenon?? No security stopped by???), phones into Napoleon, rolls off his aches and pains, and the next morning heads after Mano down the only road in Greece. The bright sun filters through his golden hair as he drives a stylish gray-blue open-air convertible smoothly down the coast, his face aglow with the vibrance of youth and…oh, sorry. Distracted.
Illya is tailing Mano’s bright red car by about…uh…thirty seconds and gaining. Mano takes a turn onto a dirt pass and Illya follows. Stavros, the criminal father, is setting traps up on a hill. He releases a net, letting a bunch of huge boulders fall and block the road. I’m now trying to figure out how I can get that to work in Tears of the Kingdom.
Mano stops rather nonchalantly at the new dam in the middle of the road that just formed right in front of him. The briefcase of UNCLE codes slides to the ground. Illya catches up and without any sort of preamble or quirky remark opens fire at Mano. At first, it’s so that Mano can’t get too near the briefcase, but then he just starts dispassionately firing as Mano runs up into the hills. He fires one last one into the air for good measure and then smiles to himself. I love this bastard so much.
He picks up the briefcase and starts to call it in, but gets hit in the back by a rock Stavros bungs at him. My dude, you heard the gunshots!! There are two cars!!! Unbelievable. Stavros starts yelling about how Illya is a monster who is a despoiler of young women and I mean he’s not wrong in the cosmic sense but I guess Illya doesn’t actually deserve it this particular time. Stavros throws the bundles of papers with highly important secret agent codes out to the wind. Then takes a closer look at Illya and is maybe like, “hmm, this icy blond probably isn’t a native.”
ACT II: “No Time For The Little Graces”
One of the sadder things about season 3 is the palpable lack of joy from the people writing the title cards. It’s a lot of pulled quotes.
The innocent and her fiancé are still talking about killing Mano. It’s very textbook soap opera. Then the door swings open and a young teen holding the world’s SMALLEST AND MOST ADORABLE SHEEP walks in. There is no explanation JUST SHEEP. SHEEP STEALS THE SHOW. ALL HAIL SHEEP. The boy wants to learn big English words. Then relates a message from Stavros to his daughter saying he has caught Mano and the man is probably already dead and there is nothing to worry about. Stavros then signs his verbal telegram like a work email. Kira is like “yay!” and then Mano walks in.
“Manolaukus, no!”
“MANOLAUKUS YES.”
I mean, damn, you guys. This show is always a delight.
Boy and sheep yeet themselves from the drama. Mano is like, “what you want or don’t want doesn’t matter, remember? You’re my wife.” Then he punches the fiancé and knocks him out in one. Mano and Kira argue a bunch. Mano needs money now that he can’t sell the codes to his contact as he intended. His backup plan is to blackmail Stavros into stealing money for him or he’ll kill Fiancé. Kira doesn’t bother to mention that her father hates the guy. F in the chat for Fiancé, that guy is fucked.
During the scene, Mano talked about not knowing whether to kill Kira but now he needs her alive. So why was he heading to pick her up back when everything was going to plan?? Goes without saying but the way he manhandles her is really upsetting and gross.
Illya is in a cave, bound hand and foot, kneeling at some sort of altar. This is the quality content I tune in for. He says something about having many sins for which to atone and I would like a list, Illya. In triplicate, along with the amends you plan to make for each. Penances begin at my discretion.
Stavros lets Illya know that he is being let off easy, only being forced to pray. There’s some discussion about what kind of punishment is appropriate for a villain of Illya’s stature. “You belong on the rack, or in the booth, or in any other fiendish way. But we’ve already done all those things to you on this show.” Illya rolls his eyes at prospects that would make other men sweat. Amateurs. Stavros relates that the new, modern method is to dump Illya into a net and let him loose over the side of the cliff. He sounds excited. Illya thinks he’s found a new agent to recruit.
Kira heads out to the secret family alter cave in the side of a cliff that everyone knows about. Just as Stavros goes to throw Illya into the net, Kira yells from outside. Illya uses the distraction to try to burn through his rope with an altar candle. Very crafty, our boy. It also all takes place in a wide shot, and it’s an unsuccessful ploy, so I wonder if that was an improv.
Mano invites Kira in and without a hint of shame says, “I’m about to murder your husband, come and watch.” He told her Mano was already dead so I don’t understand his personal timeline here.
“That’s not Manolaukus,’ she says. Illya nods adorably along.
Kira says Stavros made a mistake and grabbed the wrong guy. Stavros is all “bzuh??” Me, make mistakes? That’s unpossible!
Illya tiredly reiterates that he is the wrong person and gives his name and number. Kuryakin 424046. Curiously never referenced before or again. It’s an interesting parallel to the military that I think the show generally tries to avoid. It might have even made more sense to say he’s Number Two, Section Two since that is his title in the office??
Kira and Stavros argue about Mano’s new scheme to either get money or kill the fiancé. Stavros is like “what are you complaining about, you’re about to kill two birds with one stone. Probably literally.” Kira’s not having it because she’s in love or whatever. She says this is all because Mano had papers he was going to get money for. Stavros recalls seeing the papers and says he didn’t understand them so threw them away. Illya longs for death’s sweet release.
He’s about to get it because the new plan is to ransom Illya for needed money or it’s over the cliff.
“How much are you worth to your people?” Depends on which side of fandom you ask.
And UNCLE, pay ransom money for its top agent? And it’s not tax deductible? Lol. Lmao.
ACT III: “The Greeks Never Had A Word For This”
Over the comm, Illya relates his dire situation. Waverly: “oh.”
Waverly explains it’s a mere $209 in exchange (side note: I bet McCallum was going for a lot, lot more back then, that’s a steal) and Illya’s like, “great! Make the check to-” “But we won’t pay it.”
Illya’s all like, “but they’ll kill me?” And Waverly tells him to get the Important Code back while he’s at it.
“But sir, it’ll be difficult.”
“Do your damn, job, Illya.”
“I appreciate your confidence in me sir, but-”
“BYE.”
One of the consistently best parts of the show is Waverly’s callous disregard for his men.
Illya suggests there’s another way to get the money back. Manos is meeting up with a third party, Illya relates it’s probably a member of Thrush Central. They’ll use Kira as a distraction because she is an “attractive woman” and Thrush agents pride themselves on their “masculinity.” The way Illya says these two phrases has never convinced me more of his utter and unrepentant homosexuality. He suggests Kira be nice to the guy and when his guard is down Illya will rob him.
“And then we dump his body into the sea, yes?!”
“It’s a thought.”
Everyone is agreed.
Back on that beautiful coastal highway, Napoleon rolls by in a cherry red beauty.
Sheep boy, desperate for something to read, has picked up a random piece of paper. It’s the UNCLE codes! He tells his adorable sheep about it.
Mano and Kira wait at the inn for her father to get back from robbing the local bank, an action that will surely have no consequences in this small provincial town. Napoleon tries to cross a quaint bridge but it’s blocked by sheep and children. He honks to pass. Mano hears the honk and rushes into action, it must be Emile Sauvignon! ‘Blanc?” I ask, swirling my cup.
Mano opens the wine cellar, where the fiancé is tied to a post, which is something of a hilarious reveal. Mano needs to stall for time and tells Kira to be nice. She rolls her eyes as she’s told for the fifth time today to whore herself out to a guy for the benefit of other men. She welcomes Napoleon in with the wrong name and he’s like sure, okay.
Later on, he’s chomping at an apple while she dances, uh, seductively? I guess. It’s a jittery dance where she snaps her fingers in front and then back, not much to it. He passively accepts this. Outside, Stavros peeks in the window while Illya supervises. Kira is still dancing, and Napoleon thinks about his taxes.
“What’s happening?”
“She’s dancing for him.”
I swear to god this is a whole five minutes of the show.
Kira sees Stavros and makes her way to the window to block them out. When prompted, Kira says she believes Napoleon is Emile because who else would show up in this town? A whole bunch of people, actually. Napoleon decides to retire for the night, hoping to see Mano in the morning. Kira compliments him and then says it’s a custom to have a nightcap before bed so would he like her to bring something up to his room? Anything? Or it could be nothing. Unless? He says whatever the custom is. So I guess he’s into it? Or placating her. I’m pretty sure he understands what’s happening.
Mano calls to Kira and she bites back about him making too much noise. Napoleon told her he’s a restless sleeper so she might have to drug him. I guess? If Mano is staying in the cellar all night and Napoleon’s on the second floor I don’t see the problem.
Kira opens the door to Illya and Stavros. Illya’s hands are still tied. I’m not upset. They go upstairs to attack Sauvignon. ‘Blanc?’ Illya keeps asking how big he is and I’ve never really latched on to it before but this really is one of his gayest episodes isn’t it. Stavros ties Illya to a coat hook like he’s a slab of meat. I don’t objectify the man half as much as the show does.
Kira and Stavros ambush Napoleon and throw him on the bed. Illya yanks the coat rack off the wall and catches up just in time to tell everyone that the man unconscious on the bed is not Emile but actually his partner. He does not specify what type of partner. They both work for UNCLE and have cute yellow business cards to prove it (I have one too!).
Stavros, upset he’s been lied to again, pushes Illya onto the bed with Napoleon. We’re treated to a wonderful full-body shot of the men on the tiny bed together. There’s some more jabbering about the plot but my brain has officially turned off. Illya, fully conscious and capable at this point of rolling off the bed or simply sitting up, instead twists his hips and looks over at Napoleon. He frantically tries to nudge him awake. Cliffhanger on another death threat.
ACT IV: “Mr. Waverly, What Are You Doing Here?”
It’s a weird Season 3 quirk to have Waverly show up randomly at the end of episodes and this time it’s even telegraphed.
More importantly, THEY ARE STILL ON THE BED. You see the way Illya’s knees are pointed toward Napoleon? That’s an unequivocal sex invite.
Stavros wants to shoot but Kira says if Mano hears a gunshot he will immediately kill the fiancé. Okay, fine then. Stavros will use a silencer. Kira’s like well shit. But no, they actually can’t kill the two because they want the money. I think Kira just doesn’t want any cute guys in her life to die.
As Napoleon grumbles awake Illya explains that UNCLE agents only use credit cards and aren’t allowed to carry money which is honestly the dumbest shit I have ever ever heard for 1967. Half the places they visit probably don’t take credit.
Illya looks over to check on Napoleon and David does that thing where he looks like he wants to jam his tongue down his costar’s throat. (David: “That’s how you establish intimacy, right?”) I cannot express to you how extended this scene is and how many shots there are, from multiple angles, of these two men on the bed. At one point it looks like they’re actively trying not to cuddle. Illya’s hands are still bound together with rope.
Napoleon accidentally elbows Illya in the face and Illya mumbles mercy. Illya catches Napoleon up while giving the largest puppy eyes ever. I mean, as much as I love Illya time, it’s honestly a horrible narrative idea to keep Napoleon and Illya separated for 3/4ths of the episode and it’s really showing.
Finally, Illya deems it necessary to raise himself on an elbow and Napoleon follows suit. This is somehow gayer as they are now practically spooning. This aired on fucking primetime. You either had to watch this shit or The Lucy Show. (Academic note: the lead-in to MFU at this time was The Monkees. THE MONKEES!!! As a fan of both, do you know how utterly insane that is?? And The Prisoner went to CBS. Idiots.) Now the reason to not kill them is because they don’t have money and killing them would be useless. Napoleon is like, I was the wrong guy but why not try ambushing the right guy next time?
The next day all four of them wait at the top of the hill for the actual Emile. It’s unclear when Illya had the rope removed, I’m hoping there’s fic about it. Napoleon is stretching and sweating as though he’s been through some vigorous activity, only giving credit to my theory. Kira apologizes for how they’ve been treated so far. Napoleon brushes it off with, “it’s par for the course,” but Illya interjects with a dry, “a little more than par, don’t you think?” and that’s absolutely not true post-Concrete Overcoat.
Back at the inn, Mano makes himself comfortable when the teen, stilling toting around his emotional support sheep (so you remember who he is, presumably) walks in asking for help reading these mysterious papers he found littered around his pasture. He complains that words like “entreé and “dinner” are too easy for him but he’s never seen the word uncle before. “Unk-lee?” Mano snatches it from him and demands to know where the rest of the papers are. They go to collect them from sheep boy’s hut.
On the hill, the Thrush agent approaches. Illya asks why they always have bigger cars. Napoleon says it’s compensation for being number two. I can’t tell if that’s a dig at Illya but by the way Illya looks at him I’d say Napoleon accidentally roasted himself there. Another cavalcade of boulders is set down the path (I guess the group pushed them all back up the hill?) and…by the way they fall it’s a pretty easy hurdle to drive around and remain on the road. Stavros descends and threatens the man in the car at gunpoint. The mysterious man gets out. It’s Mr. Waverly. The boys join their boss. Turns out Waverly showed up because he thought both agents were being held prisoner. I guess they forgot to make a check-in.
Boy and sheep come running up screaming murder. He tells Kira that Mano hit him and stole all the papers he found. A helicopter overhead tells them all that Emile has arrived with the money. Stavros is upset that Mano will get the money after all and works up to a rampage, threatening to kill all. Illya wrestles him to the ground in about a second. Napoleon goes for the gun Kira was carrying and helps Illya. They roll around a bit. As far as action sequences for this show go, it’s not the best. The music in season 3 is really not doing any favors. They stop fighting when Kira points out they can go back to the inn and stop Mano.
Sauvignon finally shows up in all his French glory but since there are about five minutes left in the episode he fails to make much of an impression as a Thrush villain. Mano hands over the codes. UNCLE agents and all party crash the exchange and many a bottle of wine is shattered. IDK guys I’m tired and the best part of the ep was over a while ago. Downstairs, the fiancé struggles to untie his rope.
Napoleon karate chops someone in the abs. Illya gets thrown over a bar and then climbs back up in to launch himself at a guy. After, I don’t know, a few hours when he could have easily escaped, fiancé frees himself. Napoleon throws a guy through a bannister. It all culminates (I guess?) when two knocked-out guys back into each other and fall to the floor. A piece of meat falls from the ceiling and knocks out Stavros. Mano attempts to take Kira hostage again but fiancé – oh fine, his name is Nico – jumps up from behind the bar and tries to wrestle the gun from Mano. Proving his manliness or whatever. As they struggle, a goon picks up a knife but Mr. Waverly SHOOTS A MIST OUT OF THE END OF HIS UMBRELLA LIKE THE PENGUIN and blinds him. Mano impales himself on the dagger and drops the gun.
Epilogue:
Waverly is wearing a traditional Greek hat and dancing in a kickline. Illya and Napoleon are at a table getting drunk in the corner. Kira is wearing white so I guess it’s a wedding. She’s still a waitress though. Waverly and Stavros reminisce about fucking the same woman. Then the woman shows up and they run away because she’s old now. I shit you not, that’s how the episode ends. Sigh. Oh well. At least we have Paris.
